THE TIMELINE PROBLEM "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" is one of my favorite all-time films. With brilliant portrayals of Bueller by Matthew Broderick, Cameron by Alan Ruck, and a luscious Sloane Peterson by Mia Sara, combined with a top notch script, slick direction by 80's auteur John Hughes, "FBDO" is not only a successful comedy, but a light hearted and wonderful film that ranks among some of the best films of the 1980's. And speaking of Mia Sara, when I first saw her in "FBDO" as a teenager, I was so thunderstruck by her beauty that I stayed right through the next screening as well. For months I dreamed a thousand dreams of someday having the honor of meeting her, and of taking her out for dinner. That's all I wanted! Was that so much to ask, to just take her to dinner? Anyway, as I got older I assumed that this childhood crush would eventually fade away. No way. But as good as "FBDO" is, it does run into the serious problem of the timeline from approximately 10am when Ferris picks up Sloane in Cameron's Ferrari and they head for Chicago, to 6pm when Ferris barely beats his parents home and jumps into bed. In the issue of fairness, let us go over the chain of events, first starting with what Ferris, Sloane, and Cameron do in Chicago: 1) Go to the top of the Sears Tower 2) Visit the stock market 3) Visit Museum of Art 4) Lunch at Chez Quiz 5) Catch (at least part of) Cubs game 6) Take part in parade 7) Stop by side of road to check on Cameron 8) Go to Sloane's and swim in pool 9) Return to Cameron's place trying to wind miles off speedometer 10) Ferris walks Sloane home Okay, now let's look at this logically: * Jeanie leaves for school at approximately 7:45am after Ferris has feigned sickness. * Ferris then calls Cameron, who has also stayed home. He then changes the computer at school's record of his absences, drinks by the pool, plays around in his room, calls school to tell them how sick he is, before Cameron arives. Figure it is 9:15am by this point. * Cameron and Ferris then trick Ed Rooney to bring Sloane outside to be picked up. So when Ferris and Cameron arrive to pick up Sloane it's got to be approximately 10 am. * Okay, let us assume it is a 1/2 hour to downtown Chicago. This means it is 10:30 by the time they arrive at the parking lot. Assume 45 minutes to go to the top of the Sears tower and back, and we are looking at 11:15am. * So now they head to the stock market, figure it is 12:00 noon by the time they leave. * A 1 hour jaunt through the Museum, and it's time for lunch. It is now 1:00 pm. * Lunch at Chez Quiz runs approximately 1 hour assuming they don't eat dessert, so figure it's 2pm by the time they leave. * 1/2 hour to get to Wrigley field find parking and get to their seats brings us and the trio to 2:30pm. As the pizza guy that Ed Rooney talks to states that it us the 3rd inning, let us assume the game started at 1:30pm. * Let us also assume Ferris is a baseball fan, so even in a blow out he wouldn't leave until the 8th inning, bringing us to approximately 4:00 pm. Let us say they get out of the park by 4:15 pm. * They then join up with the parade, where Ferris sings two songs. Assuming some time before and after for enjoying the sights, we'll round off at a :45 minutes at the parade. It is now 5pm. * They then taxi back to the garage, we'll assume a 15 minute ride. * So they pick up the Ferrari at 5:15pm and drive back. * Stopping say for 10 minutes by the side of the road to check on the flipped out Cameron, that brings their return trip to 40 minutes. It is now 5:55 pm. * Assuming a 20 minute swim at Sloane's, you can see the obvious problem that it is now 6:15 pm. * Approximating the time spent changing back into their clothes, returning to Cameron's place, and destroying the Ferrari as around 45 minutes, we're still looking at 7:00 pm. * Ferris then walks Sloane home, approximately a 15 minute walk given typical suburban distances (not to mention Sloane's house appears distinctly less upper class then Cameron's and is probably in a different neighborhood). It now can't be any earlier then 7:15 pm, yet according to Sloane's watch it is still 6:00. Most of these numbers were rounded in favor of Ferris, as I tried to be as lenient as I could given that he didn't get that car he wanted, and instead had to settle for that computer. I guess that although life moves pretty fast, in this case, it looks like it moved a little too fast. Save Ferris! Essay by Mr J. L. Moss (Jolmy@aol.com) Copyright 1997 by the author