EIGHTIES TEEN MOVIES - NOSTALGIA, THY NAME IS JUDD NELSON Musicals, horror movies, martial arts films... These genres all have a respected place in the history of the modern cinema, and a separate rack at your local video store. But what of the Eighties Teen Movie? Why has this genre not established itself in the hearts and minds of movie historians and video rental outlet managers? Many seem to doubt that it is in fact a distinct category. However, serious analysis reveals that Eighties Teen Movies are every bit as distinctive as Buddy Cop Films, Fish Out of Water Comedies and Mid-Eighties Breakdancing Musicals. Eighties Teen Movies (ETM) have many unique features which manifest themselves uniformly across the genre. From "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" (1982) to "Some Kind of Wonderful" (1987), each of the films in this group suffer from key attributes that define it as an ETM. The plot, for example... The protagonist wakes up as the opening credits sequence pans his messy bedroom. He has breakfast with his annoying younger sibling and uncomprehending parents, then goes to school. He arrives at the high school parking lot on/in his embarrassing mode of transport and meets up with his equally low-status buddy. They walk the halls on the way to class, and see the unattainable object of the protagonist's fancy, who is probably hanging out with her cool friends and her college aged boyfriend who has an improbably expensive car. The protagonist attempts to interact with the girl, but is humiliated. Lunch in the cafeteria involves kvetching over bad food, the spilling of food or beverages and generalized ostracism. After school, our hero goes to his embarrassing part time job, and is once again humiliated. Later, he asks the girl out, and gets to know her a bit, just before her college aged boyfriend intervenes. The protagonist then makes one last desperate bid to win the girl's affection, and succeeds - involving her in a falling in love montage. But then... something happens and they are separated/estranged. But then... the big game/big dance/big competition offers our hero the opportunity to prove himself - to the girl, and everyone else who ever looked down on him. He wins not only his self-respect, but also the girl, whom he locks in a display case and to whom he never speaks again. Of course, not every ETM goes exactly like this. There are thousands o f permutations, thanks to a genre-approved list of additional elements that can be added or subtracted. After all, not every film needs to have a scene of teens dining at an expensive restaurant ("Fast Times at Ridgemont High", "Risky Business", "Ferris Bueller's Day Off", "Some Kind of Wonderful"). Not every film needs to feature the embarrassing part time job - well, okay, every ETM does, but it's not always the exact same job - gas station attendant ("Mischief", "Some Kind of Wonderful"), fast-food server ("Secret Admirer", "Fast Times..."), retail sales clerk ("Pretty in Pink", "For Keeps", "Career Opportunities")... the possibilities are endless. The subject of each and every ETM is the sexual romantic ambitions of th e protagonist. In coarser terms, "Will our hero bag the cute chick?" Every ETM is at heart, the story of why the cute chick in high school should have gone out with the screenwriter/director instead of that jerk from the football team. The reasons vary from film to film, but the ending doesn't - the underdog always comes up on top. In this way, eighties teens, seeing these films in the theatres, had their faith in society reinforced, and their moral fabric strengthened. They learned that the arrogant rich guy never gets the girl, that integrity and honesty always prevail over treachery and lies, and that the average age of eighties teens was 27. Not only did this reflect the reality of teen life in the eighties, it also prepared these kids for college. In addition to similarities of plot and theme, there is also key dialogue, repeated in ETM after ETM: the buddy telling the protagonist "she's way outta your league", the cute chick telling the protagonist "I like you but..." and the protagonist telling the arrogant rich guy "You think you can just buy people. Well let me tell you something, you can't." Did teens really talk that way in the eighties? It seems doubtful, but 27 year old actors in eighties teen movies did, and that's enough to prove the point. If the suspect accuracy of ETMs makes them inappropriate for the "Documentary" category, what then is the correct classification? Were they "Comedy"? "Drama"? Understandably, many video store managers seemed confused on this issue, and scatter ETMs throughout both racks. After all, look at "Pretty in Pink" - not dramatic, not comedic, so how do you categorize it? Of course there's an easy three-letter answer to that - ETM. The fact is, ETMs were designed to depict life as it actually wasn't for youngsters in the 1980s - sometimes it wasn't funny, sometimes it wasn't dramatic, always it was a bit boring. Eighties teens drew instruction and inspiration from these films. They were contemptuous of the critics who so cavalierly dismissed such important works as "The Wild Life" and "Can't Buy Me Love" as appalling bombs. True, the ETMs were not critical darlings - "Secret Admirer" never appeared on anyone's Ten Best list, but these were the stories of eighties teens' lives, whether they thought so or not. Ultimately an end must come to all things, good and bad. As the eighties dwindled to a close, the "teen" actors of the decade were forced to grow up quickly. After all, how long does it take for Molly Ringwald to get a high school diploma? After a few years, even Anthony Michael Hall starts having trouble finding a legal prom date. What was obviously needed by all was an Adult Transition Vehicle (ATV). This is a film featuring the former "teen" in an adult role, designed to convince audiences that C. Thomas Howell wasn't a kid anymore, that Patrick Dempsey had put high school behind him, and that Jon Cryer was ready to get on with his life. ATVs are a special breed of their own, and they fall outside of the mandate of this article, but it suffices to say that they include such memorable films as "Quicksilver" (Kevin Bacon), "Mobsters" (Christian Slater, Patrick Dempsey), "The Pickup Artist" (Molly Ringwald, Robert Downey, jr.), and the mother of all ATVs, "St. Elmo's Fire" (Andrew McCarthy, Demi Moore, Ally Sheedy, Judd Nelson and Rob Lowe). Adult Transition Vehicles and Eighties Teen Movies are both distinct gen res and they both deserve a separate, properly labelled rack at video stores. It falls to us, the video renting public, to demand the proper categorization of these films. So next time you're at a video store, and you find "Sixteen Candles" in the "Drama" section, and "Making the Grade" in with the "Comedies", demand action. Hurl abuse at the manager, bust up a point-of-purchase display, and knock over the rack of "Our Staff Recommends". Why? Because that's just the sort of petty, petulant, self- indulgent thing Judd Nelson would do. So come on, former eighties teens, let's do this one for the Juddster. Optional Additional Elements 1. annoying younger sibling 2. humourous buddy subplot 3. embarrassing part time job 4. confrontation with CAB with IEC 5. expensive yet futile romantic gesture 6. character motivation analysis via wooden "The trouble with you.." speech 7. fantasizing interrupted/humiliating boner scene 8. the nerd to cool guy transition scene (add sunglasses and mousse, subtract cardigan) 9. cafeteria trip 10. the picture by the bed (usually of dead relative) Scene Required to Qualify for Inclusion in Eighties Teen Movie Genre 1. Establishment of low status of protagonist versus high status of the object of his fantasy (cute chick) and her college aged boyfriend with his improbably expensive car 2. Humiliating initial encounter (often occurring at protagonist's embarrassing part-time job) 3. Advice from buddy ("She's way outta your league...") 4. Hatching of improbable scheme 5. Initial, limited success 6. Qualified resistance from cute chick ("Look, I like you, but I've got a college aged boyfriend with an improbably expensive car.") 7. Heartbreak 8. Protagonist demonstrates sensitivity (poetry, short story and/or touching anecdote) 9. Falling in love montage (edited to upbeat eighties pop tune) 10. Complication (argument, disapproval of parents, and/or intervention of CAB with IEC) 11. The big game/The big fight/The big dance/The big something 12. Protagonist reveals moral bankruptcy of CAB with IEC and/or surpasses him in big game and/or punches him in jaw 13. Protagonist attains objective (bags cute chick) Some key scenes and concepts Arrival at high school parking lot: usually the second scene in an ETM depicts the protagonist and his buddy arriving at the high school parking lot, in an embarrassing mode of transport, then spotting the cute chick stepping out of her 32 year old boyfriend's Lamborghini. This may or may not prompt the protagonist's buddy to say, "She's way outta your league." Youngblood sequence: named for the Rob Lowe hockey film "Youngblood", in which Lowe's inability to play hockey was masked with editing. example: a) shot of Lowe's upper body, b)shot of someone else's legs skating, c) shot of puck being shot, d) shot of puck going in net, e) shot of Lowe raising his hands in victory. As most Eighties Teen Actors were completely devoid of any type of ability, Youngblood sequences were used frequently in ETMs. e.g. Judd Nelson not break-dancing in Making the Grade, Kevin Bacon not dancing in Footloose, and Andrew McCarthy not having a discernible personality in Pretty in Pink Girl with Glasses: a cute chick overlooked by the protagonist due to her wearing glasses, or just having an uncomplimentary hairstyle, which she alters at the end of the film, revealing herself to be a hot babe, thus causing the protagonist to see what a fool he's been, trying to woo the superficially attractive but self-absorbed bimbo. e.g. Winona Ryder in Welcome Home Roxy Carmichael, Jami Gertz in Mischief, Ally Sheedy in the Breakfast Club. Undeniably boorish behaviour of CAB with IEC: this is the completely implausible yet structurally vital scene in which the CAB with the IEC does something obviously and undeniably rude and insensitive, which causes the cute chick to finally see what a fool she's been for going out with him, and to then seek solace in the arms of the protagonist Eighties Teen Body Switch Film: a film in which an eighties teen and an adult switch bodies, causing the adult to act like a teen, and the teen to act like an adult. It's not as funny as it sounds. e.g. 18 Again (George Burns Essay by Mr James Thorburn Copyright 1998 by the author